Winner!!!

So! After losing my net for a ridiculous two-ish weeks, IT'S FINALLY BACK ON!

//cue fangirl squealing.//

Back to what I meant.

It's been a rather.. tricky last two weeks. I've tried to use the app for this place on my droid. Yeahfail. So, here is the newest shit.

The baby is a boy. <3

I started purging again. Boo.

And, I slipped up twice on accident on the vegetarian thing. We had a wedding to attend this past Friday, and I didn't know there was bacon pieces in the potatoes I tried. The next morning, there were infinitesimal pieces of fucking ham in my breakfast. Sneaky sneaky. Purged that one.

But, back on track! This was my first stop since the net was fixed. Damn you wifi. //shakes angry fists.//

Reading and reading more every single day. The more I read into recovery, the more I shy away from it and would rather get to a... shall I say.. healthy medium? Is that even possible?! 

Probably not. xD

Been updating on MFP daily now for half a month. I missed a fucking day about two and a half weeks ago. Was crabby about that. Otherwise, good stuff! 

Be on after work. <3 Take care

Maybe, or not.

I've been thinking.

Fuck that. I think all the time. This time I've been really thinking.

I wanted to attempt "getting better."

Maybe...not yet. Considering it's nearly 5am, I'm going back to sleep. :)

Blargh.

Bad night last night.. Today. Not better.

Mental breakdown in Chinese buffet?

Check.

Two months off not purging, ruined?

Checkcheckcheck.

Wifi lost?

Of course.

Fuck you world. 600 in. Going to work it off.

I need an explanation.

I need a serious explanation here. 

How in the hell can you go all day with absolutely NO intake.. and have your weight fluctuate from half a pound up to five damn pounds?!

Ugh. Glad I'm down a little today. Though I need to get something to stick. And soon. Maybe, just maybe water loading again won't be that bad. Only reason I'm mentioning it is because I have the big ultrasound coming up on Tuesday, and I was supposed to be UP 10 pounds.. yeah.. or not. I'm down three since then. //sigh//

All in all, I'm staying near my starting weight which is what I aimed for. Protein shakes and Ensure are helping much to my hatred for them both. But if I didn't have them.. I'd be in the hospital with too many questions and not enough answers.. Fuck that. I'd rather pretend remission while I'm planning the big drop. :D Sooo excited for that one! As soon as this baby is here, a week afterwards I'm going back onto SGD (since I don't know if I'm breastfeeding, not that you wanted to read THAT detail.) and since SGD has a higher intake, I should be able to wing it. It's fucking ridiculous. They all say you lose weight when you breastfeed, and that you lose it faster. I didn't with my first daughter. Why the hell would I this time around? Eh, I wasn't dieting as heavily back then either. That was an honest-to-god remission for roughly 18 months.

Do I miss that?

Fuck no.

I felt like a fucking sow back then. My weight has fluctuated from 245 (highest right before having first daughter) all the way down to 110 (drugs.. lots of drugs.. But hey, I was 19.) and the ideal that I'd prefer is 118. 

I don't know why.. but I'm obsessed with that fricking number. It isn't for BMI. It isn't for anything. I just want to be at that weight. 

Now that I'm reminiscing. I remember having my daughter and I dropped a little of the weight. No where NEAR what I thought would go. But I didn't care and kept eating like a fucking sow. All binge, all the time. Nothing else. You don't get weight off from running after kids unless you are biking or with the stroller every fucking day. They. Lie. Now then, I can remember when my husband other half had left me for literally a schizophrenic stripper, and something hit me. -side note. He leaves when I'm hunting. Yesh. Loaded gun. All alone. Bad day.-Anywhore, he left. I joined a gym and began ABC after two weeks of intense looking. Somehow.. some damn how or other.. I was searching for diets and I came over that one. Keep in mind, I've been a closet restricter and purging on campus, so no one knew about this shit. I look, and BEHOLD! There is a SHIT TON of people with this everywhere! I was just enamored with it all! Ana Regzig was the first one, and she has a blog with a link over to your left. She isn't on it anymore that I know of, and she hasn't posted in a LONG ass time, but that is where I began to really get into reading more and seeing just how many others had these ideas. One thing led to another, and I was in the gym an hour.. then two hours.. then two hours twice a day.. then three hours twice a day.. All while on ABC. 

I dropped 65 pounds in 10 weeks. And never felt better.

But by the end of that whole fiasco, it was the Daughter's birthday, and the husband other half came back, basically buying me off. 

I'm pathetic.

I stopped counting.

I stopped fasting. 

I just... stopped.. And gained back 15.

Since then though, I've been doing terribly slightly better.. Kind of.. It comes and goes in strength, but there is never a single thing I don't count or worry over now. Doctor's orders have me done yeah right with my workouts, while I'm staying under 1200 a day. Go me. n_n

Little.. little steps. I nearly screamed when they told me I should be having 2400-2600 calories a day.. Uhh.. I can't have that in two or three, let alone in ONE. Yet I smiled and nodded and promised to try and just like that, poof, dismissed. Then I'm grilled by him the whole way home... 

Welp. I've reached out for help others to talk to, and all they do is look at me like I'm stupid and "just fucking eat something, anything." So, I do just that. But I'm still counting and skipping and swapping and remaking and throwing away.

Not purging though.. But lately.. I'm tempted. I haven't had a bad episode in about three months. That one.. had blood. Lots of blood. It honestly scared me enough to ease up and switch from purging to laxatives. Not better, but hey, in one out the other. If one is blocked, find another route. Detour...

 But, that brings you up to date. Nearly fully. I don't know why other than an old friend from Chicago is coming up to visit.. I haven't talked much to him in ages because we grew apart, maybe that's why I'm trippin' balls on my past. But this is more of a "so you know" background of babbling horse shit. Most of this people know bits and pieces of, but not all of it at once. Funny.

Friend K knows the beginning, and the ending, not the middle.
 Friend C knows the ending, nothing else.
Friend R knows the beginning and middle, but got too close and I shoved him off.
Friends all over know pieces. That is the whole version without the dirty details. 

Maybe for another day. 

200 in. 485 out already. Good fucking day. 

So!

I decided, after thinking all day thus far anyway, that I'd prefer to be on here to run my trap versus trying to spill out to the loveh.  I will be giving him the address for this, but I can't always trash talk certain things without others getting asshurt.

But, this does wonders for hunger. Screw you, magic numbers. There are PLENTY of women that went through pregnancy and lost weight instead of gained. I'm very good friends with one that was 20 pounds lighter when she had her child than when she began the pregnancy. Not to mind, it wasn't her first kid either. Hmm. Makes me feel better. I'm obviously losing inches elsewhere and gaining them, considering certain shirts cannot fit, but pants are suddenly loose if under the belly pooch.

God damn. I'm literally counting down until this baby is here. Can't wait to also find out if it's a boy or girl. n_n I'm stoked! :D

Mindless banter. I'm babbling. Loveh is working. I'm passing time until the kids are picked up today, then I have an hour to do lunges, stairs, and shower before K picks my daughter and I up to do grocery shopping.

Money, or food. I'd rather the food so I can control what is bought with NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. :D Win win! I've also decided to keep doing single/multi-posts during the week. Daily if I absolutely can. Having the kids Monday-Wednesday, then Friday is wearing me down now, but this is honestly quite the wonderful getaway. I missed this. 

To all the people I jumped on to follow today: I was anticipatory, and found a SHIT LOAD of blogs I'm reading tonight, and over the next few days/weeks. You guys are a wonderful way to deter my mind, and I love it so much. Maybe more later after shopping? Hell if I know right now. I was adding more to follow, and my clicking right index decided to spasm on me, sending me back to my own page. I felt like it needed a random spouting of shit. xD

Less than 1000. 10 days vegetarian. Keeping this shit up. n_n <3 

Back. Or kinda not.. Maybe. Hell.

So perhaps we are back in the same place as we always have been.

Or maybe I just needed that break. I left a lot of websites since the last post in February. I had my reasons. I was lead on to believe things were better fine. I fell in love for an idiot. But now.. its a tad confusing.

Try hiding an ED when you're pregnant. It's pure hell. Water loading. Counting counting counting. I have to hit a certain goal just to stay at a current weight. Its selfish. I can't stop yet.. I've tried. If you know a tad about my history, I was able to stop during my first pregnancy near completely. Then, once I realized that the weight gain was not budging, I had an epiphany freaked out. Starved. Did the full ABC diet. 

Yeah. Try that one for fun times. :D

But, really now. I did it. I'm very proud of it. I can't say for sure how often this will be used. Or updated. Or available.

But the least that I can do is say that I'm going to be back on here for a while. Fuck. I've been on here and had an account from back in 2004. Really. I can't leave. ._.

Minor details no one gives a shit about. I'm adding a LOAD of blogs to follow on my personal page. I'm going to be jumping back into an undercover  hidden  sneaky  reformed  other version of my ED. One that's similar to Snow White when she inhales bites into that cursed apple. 

It is there, but dormant in a way. Active yet asleep.. on the surface.

It's funny. I'm only going to tell one person about this. I hope to god he can at least smile in knowing that I am becoming slowly more able to fully  partially open bit by bit to him.

I love him. Completely. I just hope that he is enough to free me from this hell one day. Or that I don't accidentally pull him down into it with me.